I’ve been in Goa a week today, and have done 5 days of practice with Rolf and Marci.  In some ways it feels like I’ve just arrived, in other ways I feel like I’ve been here forever. That whole ‘coming home’ feeling is very pervasive.  

Yesterday was a traditional led class with Rolf. I was a bit apprehensive beforehand as it has been a long while since I’ve done a led primary practice, and I thought that I would be floored by it.  But it was actually really lovely.  He had a really nice pace during it, and his energy is so peaceful.  I remember being in Mysore and getting through primary in just over a hour with Sharath - the ashtanga express.  Now that was a killer.  But with Rolf it was just under 2 hours.  He started the 5-breath count a few moments after he called the pose, thus allowing people time to get into them. He kept us in padmasana at the end of the practice, just sitting with our breath.  I floated out of the practice.  I was tempted to stay behind and have breakfast there, but I was in such a blissed out, quiet state that I decided to go home. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I had gotten up at 5, as class was at 6, so when I got home the lure of my bed was too great and I had a wee nap.  Then I ended up having to move rooms, which in typical Indian fashion wasn’t straightforward at all.  But eventually all was sorted, and I was able to shower and head out for brekkie. After a big feed and a bigger coffee, I headed out for some errands, and them came back home to catch up on emails and other stuff. It was a very nice, chilled out day.  I was avoiding the sun as I had gotten a bit burnt the day before at the pool.  The joys of being here for 6 weeks means that I can take my time with tanning.  Then today was a bit more adventurous.  Met friend for brekkie, then we headed off on our scooters to Mandrem beach. That was a lot of fun.   So far I’d only really been around this immediate area on the bikes, and the roads are quite narrow, windy and pot-holed, so you take it relatively easy. But today we got to let rip on the open roads. Well, as much as you can let rip on a scooter.  I would like to get a motorbike, but I am a bit of a secret speed freak, so maybe it’s better that I’m restricted by the scooter.  Anyway, we made our way to Mandrem beach, and had a lovely day. The beach is stunning, long expanse of sand and blue sea, and relatively quiet.  Anjuna and Vagator beaches are quite busy and not so clean.  You get hassled a lot by Indians selling things.  So I don’t tend to hang out for too long at the beaches here.  And I love the beach: the sound of the sea, the smell of  the salt in the air, the breeze coming off the water….it’s all magic to me. Salve for my soul. Floating in the Arabian Sea is my bliss.  So we were there for a good while, then I had a nap, had a coconut to revive me, and then back on the bikes for the journey home. For dinner tonight we went to possibly one of the better restaurants we’ve been to so far - it is Kennie’s Fusion restaurant in Grandpa’s Inn, a gorgeous hotel that is an old Goan Portuguese villa. The food and the setting were amazing. We both had grilled shrimp on a spiced potato cake with avocado salsa and papaya salsa.  Yum! That was the best meal so far, but in general the food here is great.  I’m loving it.  Then we went to the Saturday night market, which was crazy.  In a good way.  Much bigger then I remember it being, and much better.  I went to the wednesday market during the week, which I used to love, but tonights was better. Not only better stalls, but also better atmosphere. I got a couple of statues for my shrine here, a Ganesh and a standing Tara.  I also tried on a very nice Tibetan style garnet necklace that I imagine I will end up buying on a subsequent visit.  Then tomorrow is set up nicely - practice at home as Rolf doesn’t teach Sundays, then late breakfast at Grandpa’s Inn, then possibly a yin yoga workshop in Brahmani Yoga Centre in the afternoon.  Again, I think I might stay out of the sun tomorrow to give my skin a break.  Then we’re back in on Monday to Rolf and Marci….the journey continues! 

And so it begins - the start of a new chapter.  A new chapter of my love affair & adventures with India. A new chapter in my life. A new chapter in my yogic journey.

I am in Goa, here to study with Rolf and Marci in their shala in Anjuna. I am only on day 3 with them, so I don’t want to get too carried away too quickly, but I feel this is going to be a transformative time for my yoga practice.  Challenging, but all the  best things require some sacrifice. I knew that they would strip my backbending back to basics, and I was looking forward to it, because I knew that was what was needed. That is what they are starting to do, and damn it’s tough! But it is equally amazing, as it is working in a completely different way than anything I have done before.  For kapotasana they tend to work in pairs.  Rolf sitting behind you keeping your legs in the right position and your tailbone down with his feet, and Marci in front of you keeping your chest lifted and ribs in, even pubic bone down (yes, that was an adjustment that I saw been given!).  You arch back and grab Rolf’s knees, then slowly walk your hands down to the floor.  But as my back is pretty bad these days, Marci brought me to wall and had me work there. Me facing the wall and her behind me, then I arched back and grabbed her arms, and she drew them back.  The stretch through the upper back and shoulders was incredible.  She was telling me not to thrust the hips forward as I would normally do to get the arch.  Instead, keep the sacrum stable and work on the upper back opening.  They are both adamant that there should be no pain in backbending.  Even before my back started complaining, I would always feel compression in the lower back in kapo.  I realize now that I was relying on my hyper-flexible lumbar spine to get me into these poses.  Now I need to work on opening the upper back.   Much more difficult and subtle but healthier for the spine.  Then for urdva d, you’re belted and blocked, getting you to really work the legs and to lengthen the spine.  My legs were trembling after a couple of breaths. I’ll give more details on that as I practice it more.  But although I have only just started with them, I have a feeling my time here will change my practice completely.  And even just practicing in the room with Rolf is wonderful.  His energy is very sweet and pure.  So on the yoga front I am very happy.  Tired and sore, but happy.

And on the India front, I am more than happy.  It just feels like coming home. When I got off the plane in Mumbai and walked through the airport, the particular India smell wafted through the corridors, and I smiled in recognition.  A mixture of incense, rubbish, spices, food, human sweat,  cheap aftershave and dodgy ac. Yes, all in the airport.  No sanitized western smells here.  It wasn’t at all overpowering, but for some people it would be distasteful, yet I loved it.  Like I said, I felt like I was coming home.  Then the gods decided to really drive home the fact that I was in India, where you can’t really have any plans made, even in an airport. I arrived in to Mumbai around 8.30am, my flight to Goa  wasn’t till 1pm.  So I made my way to the departures terminal, and head to the Air India desk, where I ask to check in.  Blank stares meet my request. I presumed it was because I was too early.  But no.  When I ask again, they blithely tell me that my flight was canceled.  No explanation or offer of another flight.  Instead they just turn away and start talking to each other.  Very Indian.  It is only when I ask them what am I meant to do, that they turn back to me and tell me to ‘go to the duty manager’s office, around the corner behind the wall’.  I follow the odd directions and find the duty managers office.  Well I don’t know if it is, as there is no sign signifying it, but there was only 1 man sitting at a table, so I ask him anyway. So he informs me that the runways are closed, and my flight is delayed till 8pm.  I was relieved that it wasn’t canceled, but at this stage it was 9am.  And where I was in the departures area there was nothing, no cafes or restaurants, they were all behind security, which I couldn’t get through.  So with no other options I sat in a hard plastic chair, threw my feet up on my luggage, and slept. Very Indian of me.  I slept for about 5 hours, not bad really.  Eventually I was able to check in, and I made my way to Goa after about 30 hours of travel.   

After  a good nights sleep, I got up the next morning and practiced outdoors, which was so nice.  I felt great after it. What do people do after a long journey if they don’t do yoga? After a so-so breakfast, I sorted out my scooter and set about getting my bearings again.  Which, with my sense of direction, is still a work in progress. But I;m getting there! And being in Goa is paradise.  The food is amazing, the scenery beautiful, the weather perfect.  I’ve moved to new accommodation which is nicer and has better wifi (very important!) and I am settling in nicely to my new life here.  All in all, life is wonderful, and I am truly grateful for all that has brought me here.

Well it has been a while. My life went through some pretty big changes in the last couple of months, everything was turned upside down, inside out. At the time it was incredibly intense, with days where you wonder how you can get through to the next second, let alone the whole day. It was amazing to have such intense emotions. When I was able to step back and be a witness to it all instead of the protagonist in it, I appreciated the beauty of it. To be feeling such strong emotions was a confirmation of the reality of life. But then I would be sucked back into the vortex of my world. And when that happened, what was literally my saviour, what propped me up when I didn’t think that I could go on anymore, was my practice. To have that consistency , that comfort of my daily practice. Something that I have done daily for the past 10 years. To bring me into my body, out of my head. To be focused on the breath, because if my awareness wandered away from that, I would spin out. I went through something similar 10 years ago, and my inability to cope with it is what brought me to yoga. So it was nice to see that my work has paid off, that I was right to trust in the power of the practice. So when people ask me about yoga, saying that they’re not flexible etc, I can truly hand on heart say there is so much more to it than that. A couple of months down the line, and I am doing great, very happy with life. And I know that if it wasn’t for my practice I couldn’t say that. Well, in fairness, my practice, and also my friends and family. There is always beauty in any situation, and what was revealed to me is that I am extra-ordinarily blessed with amazing friends and family. There is a lot of love in the world, we just need to see it.

This day last year was dark, windy and generally miserable.  Except that it was also a wonderful, light filled, saving day.  I had my accident a year ago.  It’s strange to be able to know exactly where you were and what you were doing a year ago.  To be able to think ‘this exact time a year ago I was crawling out my car window/ sitting in the ambulance/ sitting at home a mere two and a half hours after flipping my car over….”.  Practice this morning was heavy and yet light also.  The trauma still feels like it’s inside me.  I don’t mean to be melodramatic, and obviously my life has continued on and in every sense I am over the accident.  But the sheer terror of that time is still in body memory.  I can still remember the details of that time.  Maybe I didn’t process it enough at the time.  It happened on a  Monday, and I was back teaching on Wednesday.  One of my friends, who is a complete earth goddess, said at the time that I needed to make sure that I took time to process it.  That when an animal has a terrifying life/death experience, that they need to go and physically shake it out of their bodies.  My practice has obviously helped me hugely, but sometimes I wonder. 

So today I am incredibly grateful to be able to sit here and type this.  My being feels humble and overwhelmingly filled with love and gratitude.  This life that we are so attached to, is incredibly delicate, and can change at any moment.  So enjoy where you are right now.  Give thanks.

It seems as though the skies have opened and they have no intention of closing.  It has been pouring rain for the last couple of days.  Although I am not a big fan of the rain, I do love that it encourages the cozy, stay at home feeling. I love summer, sunshine, long days and short nights.  That might be my favourite.  But I love this time of year also, the changeover from autumn to winter.  I love cooking, and I love slow cooked stews, hearty soups, comfort foods.  I love when it’s dark and cold outside and I don’t need to leave my warm house. The fire is lit, food is cooking, movie is downloaded on to apple tv, waiting to be watched, and possibly a nice glass of wine to top it off.  Sigh.

That was my night last night, actually.  It was very much needed. I had been out three nights in a row, which is not something I do anymore.  Used to be I’d be out 7 nights in a row, no bother.  But that was is the wild times of my early twenties. Now, either age or yoga has turned me into a much quieter person.  Which I am happy about, but when there are times that I need to be social, I do miss my old stamina! And last week was busy.  Thursday night I went out for dinner with some yogi friends, as one of the girls is moving to Canada.  We went to Rustic Stone www.rusticstone.ie which is possibly one of my favourite restaurants at the moment.  I love it.  The chef is michelin starred, who used to have a very fancy (apparently, as I was never there) restaurant.  That closed, and a few years later he opened Rustic Stone.  In the interim of the two restaurants he started dating a nutritionist, who got him thinking about the health effects of food, not just the flavors. So the result is a restaurant that has incredibly tasty food, but is also quite healthy.  Score!   Dinner was fabulous, and we went for  a drink afterwards.  Which meant that Friday I woke up with a fuzzy head.  But Friday was also busy.  I practiced, had quick breakfast, then dropped  a friend to the airport.  Then back into town to get my hair cut n colored. Then back home to get glammed up for my brothers birthday dinner.  His birthday had been the previous week, but with my cousin dying we postponed the dinner.  My family don’t all get together that often, but when we do, we have such a laugh.  I love our get togethers. So Friday night was tons of fun, which was good as the food was so-so.  We  went to Diep le Shaker on Pembroke rd.  It’s a Thai restaurant, and Thai food is one of my favorites, but this restaurant just doesn’t do it for me.  For any of us, actually.  But it’s lovely inside, with great atmosphere, so the food was inconsequential. Then teaching Saturday morning, do errands, then head out to meet a friend who is in transit, and only in Dublin for a short while.  It was great to catch up, and we went to Yamamori Japenese restaurant, which I also really like.  I had a spider roll, (soft shell crab in a nori maki roll, for those not familiar).  Yum! Then upwards and onwards, I went to go to a friends birthday party.  This was in a really cool venue, Cobalt Cafe on North Great Georges St, which is a stunning part of Dublin.  It’s a Georgian  street, with beautiful houses that are really well kept.  It’s also in a bit of a knackery part of dublin, so it feels almost like a secret place.  That was a great party, with people that I hadn’t seen in ages, but I was wrecked.  Stayed for a couple of hours, and then fell into bed.  When the alarm went off at 6.30 I was dead to the world.  But I hauled my weary self into the shower, and into the studio to practice, then teach.  It was a super busy day, some people had to start in the upstairs studio to wait for a space to come up in our room.  But it was good that it was busy, as that fired me up.  Then after that, up to Marks and Spencers on Grafton St to get dinner for the evening.  I love that place.  I didn’t want to do any cooking.  Just put on the oven, and put the dishes in.  Marks is perfect for that.  And there is no badness in their food, which is important to me.  It still took me about half an hour to figure out what to buy, my brain was mush.  But eventually I decided, made my way home, and nearly cried with happiness when I closed the door behind me.  Knowing that I wouldn’t be crossing that threshold till the following day.  I had a mammoth amount of ironing to do, which I don’t mind doing as it gives me an excuse to watch crap tv while I do it.  Finally I finished that, dinner was ready, fire was lit, wine was poured, and I was incredibly content. 

And here we are, at the start of another week.  Time keeps marching…

It has been a strange couple of weeks.  Starting last Monday when I made myself a juice and the beetroot must have been off, as straight away I felt terrible.  That little juice did a nasty job on me, resulting in a case of Delhi Belly.  Who knew that juicing could be so dangerous?! But in all seriousness, I have juiced a lot and nothing even remotely similar has ever happened.  I’ve always felt fantastic after juicing.  But not this time! So teaching that night was a struggle, as you can imagine.   And besides the upset stomach, I felt absolutely wiped. Whatever was in that juice drained me. Literally and energetically! Mysore the next morning was ok, if a little spacey. Then I had to go to a funeral of a friends father. I had never met the man, but it was still a sad occasion, and I guess you make it personal, and think about your own father. The funeral was a bit away from Dublin, so I stayed for a short while and then drove back to teach that evening. My stomach at this stage was ok, but I still felt wrecked and had no appetite. I collapsed into bed that evening, having everything ready for mysore the following morning - clothes laid out, smoothie made etc. My alarm was set for 5.30. I woke up at 7.08. I looked at the alarm clock in absolute disbelief. I jumped out of bed, threw open the curtains, looked at the light outside and ascertained that it was definitely NOT 5.30 light out there. I ran downstairs, frantic. Started running the shower, then realised I didn’t have time for a shower. So I ran back upstairs to get dressed. Raced back downstairs, and at this stage it was 7.20, I wouldn’t be in the studio till 7.30. I rang G who had stayed with his friend after the funeral, asked him what I should do, he said that there was probably no point in me going in. While I agreed, I felt terrible. So I decided I’d go up and practice. My first few sun salutations were witness to the whirlings of my mind, and falling into old patterns of thoughts, the samskaras. Blaming myself, wondering how I could be so silly. But by the third sun salute, I caught myself, stopped the thoughts and focused on breath and practice. And all was good. I love when you can see the affects that the practice has on you. That’s why whenever people dismiss yoga as a physical practice alone, and ashtanga in particular often gets dismissed as that, I am always silently happy knowing that it is so much more. It has given me greater peace of mind and contentment then I could have imagined.

So the rest of Wednesday was uneventful. But the odd week continued on Thursday when I got news that one of my cousins had had a stroke and was on life support. He was only 44, but had had a brain hemorrhage 3 years previously. He was kept on the life support until Saturday, and then it was switched off. The funeral was on Wednesday, so in the space of a week I was at 2 funerals. Strange. It was a beautiful day, one of those rare October days that the sun decides to make a last appearance before hiding for winter. It was an emotional day.

So all in all it’s been a fully charged October. It seems like the longest month now, and I’m looking forward to it being over. But we are seeing it out in style. G and myself are heading to London next Thursday, going to hit the shops, restaurants and the Yoga Show, then on Friday we head over to Paris for the weekend, where we will do more shopping, eating, going to galleries etc. And the whole reason we are going to Paris is to see Bon Iver play on Saturday night. I can’t wait. Bring it on! So it will be a good end to a not so great month.

I did something to my wrist last week.  I’ve been doing a lot of handstands in the last couple of months.  Any chance I could get I was going upside down.  As I said in my last post, they have gotten more solid, and so are much more fun to do.  But I guess that I was over-enthusiastic, and strained my wrist.  I laid off them for a few days, but was still doing full practice, and it has gotten slightly worse.  Even after a few days off cavorting at the Electric Picnic didn’t help.  Practice on Tuesday was horrible, lumpy, heavy, stiff. Mainly due to tiredness and indulgence at the EP. But my wrist was really tender, even chaturanga was difficult, so it was an unpleasant, modified practice. So the next day I decided to see about practicing on my knuckles - not placing my hands flat down at all. It worked really well, and I had a lovely practice.  Everything felt light and strong.  I had to leave out a couple of poses that I couldn’t do on my knuckles i.e. bakasana a & b, and tittibhasana a.  But on the whole it worked really well. And I was very pleased to have been able to modify my practice so well.  But then later I realized that my knuckles were raw red looking, like I’d been in  a scrap.  Not the best look for a yoga teacher.  But I have since figured out that it was practicing on my manduka travel mat that was causing the raw red look.  When I practice on my black mat, not so bad.  Ah, the life of a yogi.  Crazy some might say.  Maybe some of you reading this might think that I should just NOT practice and let it get better.  And believe me, if it was necessary, I would lay off practice.  I don’t believe in the virtue of practicing no matter what.  But I do believe in practicing if at all possible.  At this stage, I know that life & practice are never going to be perfect all the time. There are times that there are blocks in your way.  But I don’t think that you can just stop at a block and think ‘I can’t go any further.  Guess that I’ll stop here’.  I prefer to find a way around the block.  And this is my way around the current block.  So if you see me with raw knuckles, know that is my the yoga mat, not a fight!

Maybe keeping in theme with bare-knuckle yoga, we just finished our last weekend of our first teacher training.  It was an emotionally charged weekend.  I don’t think I realized that it would affect me so strongly.  I was quite caught up in the preparation for it.  I was preparing a talk on the lineage of yoga, so that was on the Sunday afternoon, and keeping most of my attention.  But once that was over, we had a last hour, for tea and cake (yogic cake, of course!) and questions. Then when everyone had asked all they wanted, G and myself both thanked them all for their hard work, and told them what an amazing year it had been.  And it had.  We all went through a learning process.  We all connected.  They went through a lot, and I went through it with them.  And even though I’ll be seeing most of them again in classes and workshops, it won’t be the same. I’m going to miss them as a group.  For a first teacher training, it was so wonderful.  And I know that a  lot them had doubts about whether they could get through the course, the half way point was tough for them all, but they did it.  They put in the work and it shows.  At times it probably felt like bare knuckle yoga fighting for them.  But these yogi warriors pulled through.  I’m very proud of them, and will really miss the group.  And I wasn’t prepared for that.  I was prepared for all the other stuff.  But not that. So thank you, Samadhi Teacher Trainees 2010/2011, I have learned a lot from you all.  

August 29th, and it feels more like September 29th out there. The weather has gotten very autumnal in the last few weeks.  I thought August was still considered summer?!  Not in Ireland anymore, obviously.   I haven’t had a proper yoga adventure in a couple of years, and I can feel the restless urge kicking in.  India is definitely calling, it’s just trying to figure out when.  Life is really busy at the moment, and time has definitely speeded up.  I feel like my first priority at the moment is to go to LA to hang out with a dear friend who had a baby in May.  So I’m thinking of doing that in October/November.  I might try and co-ordinate with some yoga training in the States. Decisions decisions!

Practice lately has been interesting.  It feels like it has shifted, gotten more subtle.  Things have gotten easier, and deeper.  Back is still a bit dodgy, but is getting better.  But the rest of the practice is sweet - leg behind head has gotten deeper, arm balances have gotten lighter.  Although it’s funny, my pincha mayurasana has disappeared, while my karandavasana and handstands have gotten steadier.  But a couple of weeks ago, pinch was solid, and karanda and handstands were not.  I’m hoping that soon all 3 of them can be here at the same time.  But while I enjoy seeing progress in my practice, and am pleased when I feel my practice is growing on the physical level, at the end of the day, I know that none of that matters.  What is important is the daily dedication of practice.  And cultivating non-attachement.  Sutras 1:14 and 1:15 are reminders of this.

Today is a moon day, which is nice as yesterday was a busy day.  Teaching mysore in the morning, quick brunch, then teaching a workshop in the afternoon.  It went well.  But it’s funny, I will have ideas of what I want to say, or emphasize in the workshop, and I don’t know if it always gets across.  I got Donna Farhi’s book ‘Yoga Mind, Body & Spirit’ the other day, and there were some nice insights in it.  One phrase that I really liked was for practising handstands and ‘using the wall actively, not passively’.  She instructs going shin length away from the wall, so when you kick up, you have your feet on the wall, shins parallel to the floor, but your abdominal, pelvic and hamstring muscles have to be used to bring the pelvis into an upright position. So your arms, shoulders, torso and pelvis are all in the correct position, the alignment is good, and then work on taking 1 leg, then the other, away from the wall.  You’re training your body the correct alignment for balancing upside down, building the neuromuscular memories.  Much better then kicking up any which way and collapsing in the lower back, as tends to happen. 

The Electric Picnic is this weekend, and I am very much looking forward to it.  So much fun, hanging out with friends, great music, adventures, and many many laughs.  Bring it on!